feelings

Hi guys.
No, actually I should start with "G'day mate!"
This is going to be my first post in english. I'm sure, there will be a lot of mistakes in it, and should I tell you something? I literally don't care.
16 days left. This feels so real. Yesterday it felt like ya I can't even describe, but I was like "keep cool, it's next year". And now I'll fly to Australia. Not in a year, not in a half year, not even in a few months - no, in 16 days.
In the last few days I've been thinking a lot about what I want to do this year, who I want to be.
I've been thinking a lot about my time in Australia. I'll be in Australia for three months and I'll find friends there and have a lot of fun and I wanna be honest, I'll miss my friends and family a lot.
But now, I'm not gonna talk about my family, but my friends. I mean, it's normal to miss the people, you love. They're all day around me and suddenly, for three months, they won't.
Is it unfair to say, I want them to miss me? Oh wow, this sounds so selfish.
But is it? Some friends of mine went to a foreign country and I miss them. I miss them a lot. In the first few days, I realized day for day again, that they're not here anymore, for one year. I still miss them, but it's getting kinda normal. I don't like it the feeling of missing them, but I'm getting used to it. It's hard to describe but let me try it.
Do you know the feeling of missing your something you really love?
Like... the beach. Let's say the beach. When you leave the beach and you know you're not going to come back the next few months, it hurts. The first, let's say, 6 days. Then you're getting used to it. This doesn't mean, that you're not missing the beach anymore. But you accept that you can't change the fact, that you're like 500km apart from the next beach. You're rather looking forward to your next vacation at the beach than just crying. And that's how I feel about my friends. I miss them so so so much, but my anticipation in seeing them again more or less soon is bigger than my sorrow in that they're currently not around me. I miss you guys. (and especially one girl, i love you, heaps of love.)

I want me friends to miss me like that. Okay, saying it twice doesn't make it any better (still sounds selfish). And I know most of them will. I feel, that they love me, when we all collapse in laughter, or when we're just talking about nonsense. Yes, I'm talking about most of my friends. But what about the rest? Will they miss me? I'm not talking about those, I don't really care about, but about those, I do care. The ones, who mean something to me - but I'm not sure, if I mean as much to them as they mean to me. Or at least, if I mean anything for them.
You're asking, how they can mean something to me in this case? I don't know.
Or I know.
It's because (let's say "it" - not gonna telling you if it's a boy or a girl) it is treating me, like it treats everybody - indifferent how the relationship is.
It's because it long time ago broke with me, but I didn't.


There are a few moments, I wanna be a child again, just playing with the sand and when the biggest problems were, with whom I was going to play today. I'm not gonna lie, most of these moments have to do with boys or bitchiness among girls.

Excuse my mistakes.
Have a good sleep.
Rose